I'm sure every married couple has patterns that they see a lot in their interactions; I wonder how similar those are across couples, i.e. are our quirks unique to us, or are they the same ones that all married people experience? Here are a couple of examples:
Sometimes after we've had a moderate argument, one of us will try to make a joke, thinking "hey, this will signal to my spouse that I consider this argument over and am ready to move on." Unfortunately, this is usually the person who was less disgruntled by the argument, so the more disgruntled person, who may still be in the process of becoming un-angry, feels they're being made fun of. We've observed both parties being guilty of the post-argument joke, but now that we're aware of it we are better about avoiding it. And when it does happen, the other party can simply state "too soon for a joke".
Here's something that I've noticed myself doing: I feel a tiny bit disgruntled (or maybe even not), and somehow Justin gets himself in the path of my annoyance. It escalates, and before I know it I find myself in an argument thinking "what's going on? Why am I arguing with my beloved husband about this? I do not feel strongly about this issue! Why can't I just stop? For some reason I feel committed to this argument!!! STOP! " It's like I'm rolling down a hill too fast to be able to stop.
It tends to happen in the following manner:
Hannah: [frowning]
Hannah: [frowning]
Justin: What's up? Are you mad at me?
Hannah:[Hm. Maybe he is part of the reason I feel grumpy] Well, I'm not mad, but I'm annoyed that you ... [insert imagined offence]
Justin: What? That's ridiculous! [insert self-defense, plus one degree of intensity]
Hannah: [He's just getting defensive! I must make my point] It's your fault because ... [etc.]
A few lines later is where I start realizing that we're actually becoming angry, and I start wondering why we're arguing.
Recently I had my first realization and successful stop of the pointless argument. It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Justin had spent the morning reading, and I had been studying or doing something un-fun. Around noon we got in the car and headed to an event with Justin's family. The day was so pretty that I felt the only way to fully take advantage of it would be for a day-trip through bluebonnets. So I told Justin it was his fault since he had been reading all morning. After a minute or so I realized what was happening and said, "I'm sorry. I know it's not actually your fault that we've been inside this morning. I just don't know how to take full advantage of this beautiful day and I feel frustrated about that. I should not have blamed you."
Justin said "Wow. That's never happened before. Thanks."
So we're growing!
No comments:
Post a Comment